


why do you build me up, buttercup

by chanyeolanda



Category: GOT7
Genre: Ficmix2017, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-20 12:23:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11920833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chanyeolanda/pseuds/chanyeolanda
Summary: (baby, just to let me down, and mess me around.)or, the let down jinyoung is expecting never comes.





	why do you build me up, buttercup

**Author's Note:**

> this doesn't really do your story justice, and I apologise for that, but I hope you enjoy it in any case!
> 
> to other readers: it won't make any sense without reading the original fic first, so go do that! you won't regret it

jinyoung can't remember when it started, when his fondness for jaebum changed into perhaps not so platonic fondness turned into what he was certain was love (he's read romance novels, he thinks he knows what it's supposed to feel like, and whatever they're describing in those novels he feels. he feels almost betrayed that he got saddled with the painful brand of love.)

regardless of when it happened, or when he realised, he has come to terms that he is in love with im jaebum. his friend, his partner, his leader. and there's nothing he can think of to do about it, in either the make things happen way or the make it go away way.

essentially, he's fucked.

*

normally, he can hide it. maybe his eyes linger a little longer than usual, and sometimes he thinks jaebum might suspect he's... an admirer of the male form, but he thinks he's gotten away with hiding his infatuation from the man in question.

when jaebum makes an offhand comment about bending him over his knee, and it sends a lance of heat through him, he can only hope jaebum deduces his obvious fluster and awkward sputtering is because of the kink itself, and not who would be administering the punishment. 

jinyoung wants to scream into his pillow with frustration (mostly) when the image won't leave his mind.

*

for once, he's not thinking about his crush, mind too caught up on the news he'd gotten, which means that when jaebum leans to kiss him he's taken by total surprise, and he feels like is world is spinning off its axis. it's just so much, all at once, and jinyoung's not sure he can deal with all the whirling emotion inside him. 

he almost wants to just give up and cry even more. how else is he supposed to react?

so when jaebum's 'doesn't mean anything' slices right through him in a way he didn't know could be so starkly painful, something in him shifts.

if it doesn't mean anything, he reasons as he repeats the words under his breath, and of course it doesn't, then what damage can it do?

and after all, now more than ever, he thinks he deserves this, no matter if it may hurt him more in the long run, no matter if he's crushing his own heart under his heel, he needs this. he needs some srt of silver lining, even if it's just physical. he wants jaebum to drive all thoughts out of his mind; he can deal with them later, right now he just needs to feel something other than pain.

'just this once,' he says, reaching out for jaebum with every part of him, wilfully blind to anything other than his hands on him, than his lips against his, to the pleasure roiling through his veins.

jaebum falls asleep after, but jinyoung can't. so he just lies there, trying not to gnaw on his fingernails, his breath catching on nothing, until he decides its time for him to go, time for him to deal with the less confusing pain.

*

he didn't think jaebum had it in him to say what he does, and white hot fury burns through him because how _dare_ he, how dare he criticise jinyoung for sleeping with him during his grief, how dare he call _jinyoung_ fucked up when he was the one who had kissed a very obviously upset person in the first place? what does that say about him?

he can see the moment jaebum realises how he fucked up, but the anger's already there, and it's too much on top of the emotional rollercoaster the last day or two have been for jinyoung, and he leaves rather than face him.

he can't stay mad at him though, his anger at jaebum fading with step he takes away from him.

they say anger's a secondary emotion, and jinyoung's wonders if his is coming from pain or love.

he thinks maybe he's just feeling too much at once.

*

evidently, jinyoung doesn't get off only on physical pain, because he keeps letting jaebum touch him, keeps letting jaebum play his body like a fiddle he'd gotten for a hobby, and just this once turns into three, four, more times than jinyoung cares to count.

why would he count out examples of his own masochism?

 _pain is pleasure_ , he remembers from somewhere, and when he's gasping as jaebum inflicts upon him the most exquisite tortue, he thinks he's never realised just how true those words can ring.

*

he moves out.

he bickers good-naturedly with jackson about why he's moving out, but really it's becomes too hard to live with jaebum and not be able to give in to the urge to kiss him in the mornings, or evenings, or anytime when their clothes are on (and will remain on), not when jinyoung knows exactly how jaebum feels inside, when he doesn't need to imagine what jaebum sounds like in the throes of passion (or something similar).

he doesn't intend to stop, though. he's selfish like that. he'll take what he can get, in any way he can get it, but that doesn't mean he can't remove himself from the temptation of wanting more.

of wanting what jaebum clearly can't give him.

*

he crosses paths with jaebum's new roommate one day, and keeps his chin held high, even though the man's gaze strips away any secrets from him.

he wonders if jaebum told him. 

(he dismisses this thought almost immediately, because jaebum's jumpy around the topic of anyone knowing, and jinyoung can think of a million reasons why.

his reasons hurt, though, so he'd rather not.)

*

sleeping only with jaebum feels too much like monogamy, feels too much like it _means_ something, so he doesn't.

he knows jaebum can tell, knows he can see the marks, and the vindictive part of him takes pleasure in the fixation jaebum develops with them, in the way jaebum doesn't like them.

jaebum's always been a little possessive, like a child who doesn't like anyone else playing with his toys.

jinyoung decides not to continue on with that metaphor.

*

sometimes jaebum says things that make jinyoung's chest tight. sometimes he almost says things that jinyoung thinks probably would make breathing hard.

'i wanted to do this for you.'

jinyoung doesn't know how to react, because this isn't in the script, this isn't in the realms of whatever the fuck they're doing, both of them get off, that's how it's always gone, and now jaebum's turned the whole thing on its head.

'you should probably go now,' jinyoung says quietly.

forget making breathing hard, jinyoung feels like he's got a ten tonne rock crushing his lungs, and he's amazed that something so simple can leave him gasping for air.

*

jaebum smells like perfume.

it's hypocritical, he knows, to be bothered by it, but he can't help it. he can't help the sick little lump in his stomach and the voice in the back of his head painting pictures of jaebum's future wedding, a faceless bride next to him, children running around with his smile.

jaebum looks a little uncomfortable when jinyoung leans in, his eyes open wide, as if he never wanted jinyoung to know.

'this perfume smells very nice on you'

there's that vindictive side again.

*

jinoung's not sure why yugyeom's the person he ends up talking to, and he doesn't even have the excuse of being drunk.

'why don't you just tell him?' yugyeom asks.

'tell him?' jinyoung laughs. 'tell him what? that i don't know what to do with everything i feel for him?' he shakes his head. 'i can't do that, he doesn't feel the same. he said it doesn't mean anything.'

'then, if it hurts so much, why don't you just stop?'

jinyoung's quiet and then shakes his head resolutely. 'i can't do that. i can't give it up now that i've had a taste. i've got to... i can't.'

yugyeom nods.

*

[yugyeom] you're both idiots

jinyoung feels a little lost looking at yugyeom's message a while later.

[jinyoung] specific  
[yugyeom] absolute idiots  
[jinyoung] what are you talking about  
[jinyoung] and how dare you  
[yugyeom] you and jaebum  
[yugyeom] you're making everything far more complicated than it needs to be

there's a pang in jinyoung's chest.

[yugyeom] really  
[yugyeom] do you think you'd be able to keep your hands off him long enough to actually talk?

jinyoung stares at his phone, nonplussed. 

[jinyoung] who taught you to talk like that  
[yugyeom] you did hyung

'who're you messaging?' jackson asks brightly and jinyoung shoves his phone in his pocket.

'just yugyeom being a brat,' he says.

*

'i just wanted to hear your voice.'

jinyoung almost feels the need to sit down. maybe cry a bit. what is jaebum doing.

'i miss you a lot, you know.'

(trying to kill him, apparently.)

'please.' jinyoung can hear the desperation in his voice. 'don't do this.'

he can't take it. he can't handle even the slightest bit of hope. it hurts too much.

and jaebum just sounds so _casual_ , as if his words aren't shooting holes through all the walls jinyoung's so carefully put up.

'i think we need to talk, when you get back tomorrow.'

yugyeom's text flashes through his mind, and he only just manages to make a sound of affirmation before he's hanging up and sitting down, tempted to put his head between his knees.

he does, in the end, hoping that somehow it'll help.

*

'you know i like you so much. or love you, actually. not as a brother.'

'i would hope not, brothers usually don't suck each other's dicks.' 

jinyoung resorts to snappy comebacks when he doesn't know what else to say, when he doesn't know how to react, because even though he's dreamed about this happening, long ago, imagined jaebum saying those words to him, now that im jaebum is standing right in front of telling him he _loves_ him, in the way jinyoung always wanted those words to be meant, jinyoung doesn't know what to do. he doesn't know how to deal with it. 

really, yugyeom could have given him a lot more warning.

'do you love me?'

jinyoung wants to laugh, because what kind of a question is that? does he love him. 

_more than anything,_ he wants to say, _more than you could ever know, so please, for the love of god, don't play with my heart if you have even the slightest bit of doubt._

'yes. and i have for a long, long time,' is what he actually says, and hopes jaebum will understand everything he's trying to say in those words.

'but i've been with other men, you know.' jinyoung's not sure why he's still talking, panic driving the words out of his throat. 

'and you know what i'm like.' he cares far too much for jaebum to not give him a chance to escape, before he really commits to his words (to jinyoung), and everything goes to shit.

'you can't just jump into this.' _don't make me hope if you're going to let me down, please make sure you're as in this as i am, because i am so deep in this i don't think i'll ever be able to find a way out._

jaebum's always been stubborn, and his face is resolute, and kissing him feels like coming home, it feels like jinyoung's floating, it feels like he'd dreaming but a thousand times more real, and jinyoung's needs jaebum, he needs him to touch him, to _ruin_ him, to drive home the fact that this is real, this _isn't_ a dream, this is happening, _jaebum loves him._

*

jinyoung drifts into consciousness the next morning to a warm hand splayed out on his stomach, and his breath wants to catch in his throat. he hardly dares to open his eyes.

'jaebum hyung?'

'yeah,' comes jaebum's reply, sending a thrill through jinyoung, 'i'm here.'

jinyoung makes no attempt to stop the smile spreading across his face at how _wonderful_ that sounds.

'i'm glad,' jinyoung murmurs.

understatement of the century.


End file.
